Poetic "parts of self" - The voice of the over-controller

** Content warning - some people may find this poetry triggering, as it may connect with your own story. Please go gently with yourself.

The voice of the over-controller

A whiff of mistrust, and I am here.

Protect at all costs.

Meet my fear.

Meet my rage.

Mask my pain.

Impatience and intolerance.

I’m NOT GETTING MY NEEDS MET.

They are NOT touching me – THE RIGHT WAY.

They are NOT close to me – THE WAY I WANT.

They don’t SEE ME – the way I need.

Push them for MORE.

KEEP GOING.

MAKE THEM SEE ME.

MAKE THEM HEAR ME!!

When I’m not met - Pull back – retreat. Armour up.

I blame them when I don’t feel loved.

I can’t see my own intolerance.

My communication reduced; “I’m fine, I say” but I am seething inside – ask me again what’s wrong with me and I will GIVE YOU IT ALL.

I’m keeping score. I’m armoured up and I’m ready to FIRE!!  

I’m irritable, mean, and angry.

I’M TRYING TO GET MY NEEDS MET. Why is this not working?!

Things aren’t going my way. Push n’ pull, pleaser and controller. I am confused. I confuse myself.

They don’t love me. This is a mistake. I need to leave. I need to go.

WHAT CAN I CONTROL; chores, process, space, - it’s a mess in here.

I feel unsafe; overwhelmed, out of control – a desperate need for equilibrium.

I want connection but I pull away.

I’ve turned myself off to intimacy.

What do you need, GET AWAY, no not now, too late.

I sulk and I wallow.

I don’t know HOW to re-connect. I can’t trust you. I can’t trust this. I can’t trust myself.

I’m intolerant and repulsed by their noises, their breath, their movement, their presence, their choices.

I need space BUT I don’t leave.

Yesterday - I was affectionate.

I wasn’t bothered by their quirks and sounds but now – NO, GET AWAY FROM ME.

I am unpredictable.

I am blaming.

I did everything correctly – there’s no blame here.

It’s all their fault.

I’m justified in my actions, my behaviour, and they are to blame.

I am convinced.

They are to blame.

I hear no other data.

They are to blame.

My compassion and empathy are non-existent.

Anger, frustration, resentment; reside in the darkness of insecurities.

I’m blinded by my own justifications. I’M RIGHT.

I am closely married to “the pleaser,” mistrust and abandonment.

When I’m not pleasing to control.

I am controlling to stay safe.

I need softness.

Reassurance that I matter.

My feelings make sense.

You want to hear, understand and protect me.

I am safe. I am safe with you. This is safe.

You’re not leaving.

You choose to stay. You love me.

You tell me all the ways I am loved.

I soften.

The controller stands down.

Warmth, empathy, and compassion return.

I can see you again.

I see what we have.

I trust again.

I feel safe in your arms.

I am not easy.

I am survival.