Schema Modes or "parts of self"

Our “Healthy Adult” in the driving seat of our lives is one aim of Schema Therapy, having a felt sense of your “Healthy Adult,” knowing how to activate it, and how to express compassion to other vulnerable “parts of self” when they get activated by something or someone. Nurturing and validating more vulnerable child modes, setting limits for angry or impulsive child parts, and taking care of all parts of self with healthy choices and boundaries with others. Living a balanced life with all schema modes.

Other “parts of self” that may be familiar to you:

  • Compliant Surrenderer - “the pleaser, going along with,” seeking external reassurance or validation, driven by anxiety & fear others will hurt, leave, or dislike you. Read poetic parts of self - “The Voice of the Pleaser” * content warning - some people may find this poetry emotionally triggering, as it may connect with your own story. Please go gently with yourself.

  • A Detached Protector - uses emotional disconnection or shutting off painful feelings for self-protection. You may have little awareness of your feelings, numb to feelings, or you may feel emotionally distant, flat, or even robotic to others. You may find it hard to label or name feelings. Detached protectors can also create big stories with great detail with very little of you in it, as a way of distancing from painful feelings and keeping others away.

  • The Detached Self Soother - uses things outside of self to soothe or exciting sensations to distance or disconnect from painful feelings. You may use, food, substances, shopping, gambling, scrolling on the phone, sex, or other things outside of self to distance from painful emotions.

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An Angry Protector - uses a wall of anger for protection. Keeping people at a safe distance with controlled displays of anger. Your anger may be passive aggressive or sulky, hostile, or withdrawn. With others you may say very little or give one-word answers and deny anger despite it being communicated through your body language.

  • An Avoidant Protector - not showing up - you are physically keeping away from anything that may cause you distress.

  • The Bully Attack Mode - May use threats, intimidation, aggression, or coercion to get your own way. You may intimidate others subtly or obviously. You may make threats, raise voice, interrupt, point, and stare down. You may throw things, slam doors, demonstrating your anger, so as not to be ignored.

  • The Self Aggrandiser - This is a puffed up exterior or mask and can be seen, as showing off, performing or self-importance. You may feel superior, special, or powerful and can put others down to big yourself up. You may be concerned with appearances rather than feelings. You may be repulsed by the idea of being ordinary.

  • Perfectionist / Over-Controller - Perfectionism is about gaining control. You are driven to prevent any criticism; doing things perfectly to continue to feel safe. Any suggestion, that you are not doing all you can - can be met with defensiveness. Read poetic parts of self - “The voice of the over-controller” * content warning - some people may find this poetry emotionally triggering, as it may connect with your own story. Please go gently with yourself.

Child Parts - hold emotions:

  • A happy contented inner child - feels content because their core emotional needs are being met. They feel loved, connected, and fulfilled in life. They feel worthy, self-confident, antonymous, in control, and self-reliant. They can allow praise to land, they are understood, and validated, and hopeful about their life. They feel protected, safe, and strong.

  • A vulnerable inner child - feels lonely, sad, isolated, misunderstood & not included. They feel needy, hopeless, scared, worried, and overwhelmed. They often feel defective, deprived, and unable to trust their own judgment. They feel lost and defeated in life. They are in search of someone or something to fill that void and create safety for them.

  • An angry or enraged inner child - expresses uncontrolled anger, or rage to perceived injustices, mistreatment, humiliation, frustration, or abandonment. They may have tantrums - shouting, swearing, hitting, breaking, or throwing things. The feelings of injustice may be justified but the reactions are disproportionately angry and uncontrolled.

  • An inner impulsive child - can show spoilt or entitled behaviour with no tolerance for limits. They lack patience and become angry or frustrated if they do not get their own way immediately. They often push other people’s boundaries.

Internal voices that can sometimes feel like an internalised parental voice:

  • Punitive Critic - directs harsh criticism towards self-creating feelings of shame or guilt. Your internal voice is negative, critical, or self-punishing. You feel like a failure with no skills. You reject compliments by denying or undoing them and pointing out your own defectiveness.

  • Demanding Critic - demands impossibly high standards of yourself and pushes self to do more and more. There is an internal pressure to perform. A constant need to do better and do more; the next achievement will mean I am good enough. You compare yourself to others in an unfavourable light. There’s no stopping to notice and celebrate your wins long enough before you are onto the next thing.

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Rachael Jolly